“I can’t carry you forever, but I can hold you now.”

　　We met in a dark blue night. Summer of 2019, at Northwestern university summer school with sun-lit campus, hard classes and music and girls and boys everywhere. Sun shines during the whole day when people splurge their youth. I met you in a dark night. You were in blue, passionate like starlight and summer.

　　The first time I saw her, I knew we were the birds of the feather.

　　She loves piano and music, I’ve read hundreds of books. She’s impatient and pushy, I am restraint and timid. She was born in an extremely wealthy business household, I’m from a scholar-gentry family. Prejudice against homosexuality, different backgrounds, separate career direction in the future, intersection for us was only three weeks of summer school. But we fell in love, it seemed like a temporary thing, or to say, we saw the odds and ignored them. She’s not a delicate doll, the kind that attracts sensuality in men and women. No. she’s a phantom, and one phantom is enough to drive me crazy.

　　We are ferries to each other, who commit sinful guilt and try hard to redeem.

　　In the limited time, we were greedy. Cold sea water, warm summer sun, movement performed by two. She said she loved my eyes; primitive possessiveness draws her deep enough to fall. We watched the city lights with her hands in mine, danced like children. Stars shined into the night in our room. Existentialism told us the experience of existence can’t be got from rational thinking. Crowded party with people dancing, deserted beach, we kissed at sunrise.

　　And that’s our golden time.

　　At the airport in our hometown, the last sight of each other. She leaned on my shoulder before landing, “We may separate after summer school, which means you won’t see me in a long time. We won’t touch, won’t kiss. You know, we’ve got different life.”

　　“I know, how long will you love me?”

　　She kissed me; the smell of black coffee circled between her lips.

　　“As far as I can.”

　　She disappeared in my life, so do I. I thought we were just too good at goodbyes. What connects people? Sexual desire, spiritual resonance, material exchange, world views? Occasionally, I remember our time spent together, laughing as we were like two affectionate cubs. That’s when I finally looked up from my daydreams everywhere and faced reality. Arrived.

　　My ferrywoman and the way she accompanied me, it made up for the missing part of my body. What was more mysterious was that her coming did not complete me, her leaving did. Maybe what she left me was a more complete me, more responsible for myself and my loved ones, more principled, able to control my feelings. Got the courage to restart, be needed, become myself again. Maybe sometimes people just need an absurd experience.

　　We met again on the Christmas party, greeted and kissed on the cheeks like ordinary friends. That’s it, what I want so far, I guess so does she.

　　“I used to have a lover. I thought that was the comprehensive view of my life then.”

　　“But when I look back, it can’t be love, it’s only a dream, teenage dream.”

　　作者：马静怡 所在学校：深圳中学 指导老师：高丽红

　　本文系“摆渡人”杯全国高中生征文大赛百强作品，转载请注明出处。